It was one of those classic New York mornings: 8:35am. I'm late, per usual, and sprinting down Broadway, my worn down heels clickety clacking along the pavement. I hit 31st Street and can already hear the incoming Manhattan-bound train rumbling above me. Sh!t. Joining the throng of commuters, I take the stairs two at a time. Like lemmings climbing our cliff to the sea, we wrangle for the lead. Just as I reach the top, a flash of precious metal catches my eye: beneath trampling feet, lies a shiny new i-pod Nano, shimmering iridescent green in the morning sunlight. I have only seconds to process, the rest of the lemmings streaming past, fighting to get to the turnstiles, clawing at each others throats! And I do what any normal person would do when you see a $200 scrap of candy colored technology underfoot: I took it. Now, please note, kind readers, that Willa K did pause a moment. I am no petty thief, snatching at any opportunity to profit off the misfortunes of others. I even attempted to ask a few passersby if they'd dropped it, but you know how it is, all Neanderthal grunts and shoves, and before I knew it, I'd been thrust through the turnstiles, dragged up the platform and onto the packed N train. Now, while some God-fearing individuals would do anything in their power to return an i-pod to its rightful owner, I cannot tell a lie. I may as well have been Gollum with his Precious, slobbering over that chunk of metal. There was a split-second of indecision, mind you. You know, where Steve Jobs appears on your right shoulder in a halo and wings, and Gerry Butler appears on your left, in full "300" regalia, complete with the cape and leather Speedo. It went down something like this:
STEVE JOBS: Now Miss K., to find this i-pod's rightful owner, you should log on to apple.com and type in the serial number --
KING LEONIDAS: No, no. Remember this day, Willa, for it will be yours for all time. Give them nothing, but take from them everything!
STEVE JOBS: It's actually really simple. You just type in the number and --
KING LEONIDAS: PERSIAN COWARD! THE WORLD WILL KNOW THAT FREE MEN STOOD AGAINST A TYRANT, THAT FEW STOOD AGAINST MANY, AND BEFORE THIS BATTLE IS OVER, EVEN A GOD-KING CAN BLEED!
STEVE JOBS: Who is this guy anyway? You're not making any sense, mister, you're talking crazy --
KING LEONIDAS: MADNESS??? THIS. IS. SPAARRRRRRRRRTAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
And then Gerry kicked Steve down the endless pit of death, along with any residual feelings of guilt. Besides. Some punk stole my digital camera a few weeks ago. This is karmic retribution, man.
Now that Jobs and his Macintoshy moralisms were out of the way, I began to wonder just what kind of person had owned this i-pod Nano. Considering its color, I first surmised the owner to be female, but under closer scrutiny, I realized I was sorely mistaken. Although the device seemed relatively new, (only 100 songs and 3 films), it wasn't particularly well taken of, and it had no protective case. The wheel was scuffed, the corner chipped, and there was an appallingly large dent in the metal backing. The i-pod could have suffered this damage from the fall, however, I could only conclude that the total sum of such negligence was undeniably male. John Doe's musical taste ranged from Reggaeton to gangsta rap, and included such artists as Daddy Yankee, Don Omar, Lil Wayne, and Young Jeezy. The film titles only further confirmed my assumptions (Four Brothers, Disturbia and Team America World Police.) My conclusion? Young, male, high school student, aged anywhere from 14-19, and most likely of Latin descent, as most of the songs were in Spanish.
As my penance for taking, I mean, liberating this i-pod from certain demise, I decided to spend my day listening to the young man's playlist. And did I ever. As I walked through the doors to my corporate, Midtown office headphones blaring "Die fo' my N****z.," it dawned on me: Why pity this vulnerable, absentminded schoolboy? I had liberated this wayward youth from inappropriate, violent and hyper-sexual content that would otherwise cloud his impressionable brain. He's better off without the i-pod. On to bigger and better things! Things like studying in libraries and shooting hoops after school.
This kid's going to Harvard on scholarship and all because of me.
- WILLA K
P.S. Steve Jobs is officially #6 on the Things That Are For Losers list.
