It is with great reluctance and gravest reserverations that I post this invaluable tidbit of wisdom. This is for two reasons: #1. I'm selfish. And #2. Divulging the whereabouts of this top-secret locale verges on the criminal. Half the fun of this place is actually finding it. (But mostly, it's because I'm selfish.) Of all the flea markets and glorious sh!tshops littering our fine Astorian hamlet, none compare to the exotic wares found exclusively at The Secret Store. Now, I bet you're all wondering why on god's green earth you've never heard of this place before. Well, you can stop your googling and citysearching. Cease all MapQuests. Quit your hopstopping. Because the place does not exist on any webpage in this lifetime or any other. Some say The Secret Store exists only in the mind...but we AstoriaGirls know better. You have to seek it out yourself, you lazy, pilfering malcontents.
But before you set out treasurehunting, there are few things you need to know about the occult of The Secret Store. First. It only appears on Saturdays. Second. While you must never go to The Secret Store looking for something in particular, it always has something exactly for you. You won't know what it is. You won't even know you were looking for it in the first place. But as soon as you lay eyes on it, you'll know in your gut it must be yours. Third. You will never leave The Secret Store without making a purchase from one of the Secret Spanish muses. And that's it. Simple. I'd wish you good luck, but what I'd really be wishing for is you falling off Rikers and into a radioactive whirlpool in the East River. With mutant pirhanas.
Those who do find The Secret Store's hidden location will partake in the bountiful glory of Astoria's most sacred shopping spot. Those who don't, well, too bad for you. Because that means more for us. Thank you. That is all.
Kisses,
WILLA K
Things meant only for AstoriaGirldom.
