Sometimes, when I’m feeling down in the dumps with nothing to look forward to, and all I hear is that “depression hurts” themesong looping around in my head, there’s a little trick I have to pick me up. These are my Molly Ringwald moments. You know them well. When all is lost, no one but Anthony Michael Hall wants to take you to Homecoming, and your life sucks so hard you just about want to drag the toaster in the bath. Drastic times call for drastic measures, and in situations as bad as these, there’s only one thing left to do. I shut my bedroom door, cue up some Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark and perch forlornly in front of the vanity. It’s Eighties Magic Makeover time. You know. That montage where Ally Sheedy swipes on some coal liner, dabs on some lipgloss, shakes out her hair, squinches her boobs and suddenly transforms into the likes of Kelly LeBrock. Some days it’s Phoebe Cates. Others it’s Debbie Harry. Special times conjur the likeness of Ms. Honeywell, herself. You know what I’m talking about. Those Magic Montage Moments. Pursing your sticky lips, maniacally flashdancing, your vanity mirror jump-cutting to the techno strains of So In Love. John Hughes, man. He programmed us well. 
Sometimes I’m convinced I alone hold the cure for the clinically depressed, but the sad truth is, if you’re flat broke, my solution doesn’t work out so terribly well. You can’t just sit forlornly, staring in the vanity, farting around to O.M.D. YOU NEED PRODUCTS! And products cost money. Lots of it. If you’ve ever gone into a Duane Reade with the intention of picking up some toothpaste, some Q-tips or a bag of generic cotton balls, and left with a receipt close to the down payment on your boss’ brownstone, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Target’s even worse. No sooner do you hit the parking lot, then you’re declaring bankruptcy. It’s insanity. I’m not even bringing up Sephora here. The bottom line is you never really account for what you’ll spend on personal hygiene until you enter the Real World, and then, boy, are you in for an eye opener. A few years back, I had all but resigned to live out my depression with the Caboodle Kit leftovers I scrounged from my childhood, when I discovered a little gem called the L’Oreal Consumer Expressions Research Center. I can’t, for the life of me, remember who originally tipped me off. I have a feeling it was some irritating coworker who couldn’t put eyeliner on straight, but no matter, the karma wheel goes ‘round and ‘round, and now I’m passing along this good fortune to you. Here’s how it works. There are no websites. No phone numbers. No manuals for this kind of thing. You’re just going to have to take my word for it. Show up at the address below:Consumer Expressions Research Center
575 5th Ave. (corner of 47th), 3rd Floor Atrium
Don't ask questions. Just go. Sometimes I feel like the more I elaborate, the more likely you'll screw it up and the whole thing will disintegrate into a puff of eighties glitter. Don't make me hate you. Anyway, you show up. You sign up. And then you go your merry way. For a few weeks you think it's all a dream, that you've been duped, you've been lied to, strung along like a product junkie on a tightrope wire, but eventually, you'll receive an email linking you to your first survey. If you pass this initial test, you'll be invited to join a study. Sometimes it's lipgloss. Other's its mascara. Facewash. Anti-wrinkle cream. Hair dye. Sometimes things get slightly...more involved. I won't divluge. Don't want to spoil the surprise.
But it's not all fun and games. It's important you take this very seriously. You MUST go to the research center yourself. You can't be sending lapboys or ex-governors in your stead. And you MUST return the products on the required dates, between the hours of 9am and 4:30pm. You MUST fill out the surveys honestly and thoroughly. And you MUST not, under any circumstances, antagonize the white labcoats conducting the studies. Any missteps, and it all turns into pumpkins and subway rats and they blacklist you for life.
This is obviously most convenient for those working in Midtown, but let's face it, most of us do. Those of you who don't probably buy your products at Bendel's and Bergdorf's and have very little use for my Magic Montage Moments, anyway. This post isn't for you, so stop reading. As for everyone else, if you've worked hard to complete every task set before you, you WILL be rewarded with a gift bag filled with aproximately $200 worth of high-end (and not-so-high-end) products. If you're really good, you can expect one of these every two months or so. Imagine. Floating through existence without ever buying a product again. Welcome to the goodlife.
- WILLA K
